The Christmas Gift

Palpable silence engulfed the car as we headed to Uncle Joe's. Silence was a way of life for us. We kids, me, Paul, eight, and my three older siblings, knew not to make any noise around adults. It was safer. If we annoyed Mother, then Daddy would tan us.
I sat there being silent, and having as pleasant a demeanor as possible. Heaven forbid that any look on my face might be interpreted as comment on my parents. No displeasure or anger could ever show. Survival was at stake.
As we rode, I remembered the weekend before. Daddy came home to find my cleaning undone. While he was yelling, I schooled myself to show nothing, but he told me to wipe that angry look off my face anyway. In that sheer terror I tried to figure out some other way to hold my face. “I said get that look off your face.” Desperate now, frozen with an all consuming fear, I tried to school my face to be as still as possible. “I'll teach you to look at me like that!” Out snaked the belt. ”Turn around.” I was so ashamed. Why couldn't I ever be good? I turned around. “Drop your britches.” I tried with every fiber of my being to be good and not to let my hands go back to try to block the blows. They seemed to have a mind of their own, but blocking the rain of slashing blows would always make things worse. Infinitely worse. It was worse that showing anger—worse than backtalk. This time I was proud that, although my hands tried to go back, I never let them past my hips. With each swish of the belt flying toward my bottom, my hands would try to go back and I'd pull them forward. Back and forth, my hands moved back and forth like the pistons of some demonic steam engine. All of the time I tried desperately not to cry out. Not to cry. If I could just take my licks like a man and make Daddy proud of me—but it was so hard. When getting beaten, time seemed almost to stop. Trying to hold out, trying not to block the blows, trying not to cry, became an instant to instant struggle. It seemed as if the instants would never add up to the end of the beating. Please let me make Daddy proud of me.

But Daddy never was proud of me. Mother either. The only time either one even talked to me was when I was in trouble or if I initiated contact, and I tried never to initiate contact. Mostly I hid out in my room or stayed outside—stayed out of the way. I was always ashamed of myself. I didn't know why I'd been dealt that terrible hand, but my whole life was dedicated to hiding my shame from others.

As we pulled up to Uncle Joe's, I was about to cry from dread, but on the outside, I maintained my pleasant demeanor. Why did I have to be around all those kids? I couldn't throw, I couldn't catch, my Dad had never taught me. None of the other kids liked me at all. Unless I could find some way to escape, I was in for torment.

When we got there, Daddy told us to go out and play. What he really meant was for us to get out of his hair and to stay out of sight. I stood at the door and considered the options. After Daddy walked away, I quietly slipped back to Uncle Joe's study. Uncle Joe had told me before that I could look at any book as long as I was careful. I had not asked him, mind you, I never could have asked, but with unsolicited permission freely given, I spent as much time there as I could, being careful to stay under Daddy's radar, so that he would not forbid it.

The study was one of my most favorite places in the universe. It had wooden walls with color so dark and so rich, that they soaked up the light and then let it out again, a subtle golden glow. The polished stone floor was always warm in the winter and deliciously cool in the summer. Accompanying Uncle Joe's desk at one end of the room was his dark red leather and wood office chair with the arms and seat punctuated with gleaming brass heads. Lining most of the walls were barrister's bookshelves. Oh, those bookshelves. They were of a dark, rich, red, cherry wood, almost black, with shelves fronted by doors that tilted up from the bottom to expose books, and then slid into the space above, disappearing so that you could enjoy the books. Each door was glazed with panes of bevel cut leaded glass. Sprinkled about the room were several islands of beautiful chairs and love seats snuggled up with end and side tables all with elegantly carved, gracefully curved legs and feet. You could go in there, turn on a lamp at one of the islands, curl up with a book, and be lost in your chair, safe and secure, dark shadows lapping at the edge of your island of contentment.
This day I found it even more magical. Uncle Joe's wife, Vera, an almost mystically beautiful Austrian woman, had lined the edges of the shelves for Christmas with dim white lights, so dim they were almost orange, each illuminating a two or three inch spot. As I closed the door, and the deep silence habitual to this room wrapped itself around me, I stood awed, afraid to breathe, afraid to even make a sound. It was as if I'd entered into some fairy kingdom.
Eventually, able to move once more, as I edged into the room, the spell remained unbroken. My slightest movement brought strange reflections and amazing refractions of lights dancing among facets of the cut glass doors. It was, at that point, perhaps the deepest experience of my young life. Even at full high midnight mass with censors streaming incense smoke and chanting resonating in the air, I'd never felt such awe as transported me at that moment.
Finally, I raised one of the doors and pulled out my favorite book. It was large, heavy, and very, very old. It had come from Europe with Aunt Vera and although I couldn't read the German text, the beautiful full page color plates of fairies, and ogres, and distressed damsels, and true-hearted knights, filled me with longing. If only I could live in such a world.
I brought the book, larger almost it seemed than I, to my favorite spot, turned the lamp on low, and then sat sideways in the chair with my back and head against one cushioned leather arm and my feet against the other. My raised knees held the book at just the right angle, and I leaned over to fill myself with its scent. Oh! The curious rich scent of ancient tomes.
A few minutes later I was studying a picture of foxes dancing on their back feet with beautiful fairies fluttering above, when I heard, softly uttered, “That is always to be a favorite.” Aunt Vera was sitting in one of the dark pools of shadow, almost hidden behind the high wings of her chair's back. I hadn't seen her when I came into the room, and such was the spell of that place and of that time, that I didn't startle when I heard her voice. So gentle it was, that it didn't disturb the peace of the room. Her next utterance, though, was something entirely different, and it set my heart racing.
“Your father is very strict, yes?” I just looked down, I felt trapped. I felt such shame at that moment. How could I ever talk about my father to someone? That seemed in that moment, the worst thing that I could contemplate. I had no idea how to answer the question. How would I know what the right answer was? Weren't all parents the same? Didn't my Father always treat me with fairness, no more or no less strict than was called for? What would very strict even mean? I kept my face down, my whole body curled about the book, and wished that I could just disappear.

“Ah, you poor child.” Things immediately became immeasurably worse. I began to cry, undone by her tone. I had always liked this Aunt for her beautiful flowing clothes and her soft, lisping accent, and for her gentleness—to have her see me like this was the cruelest blow. Never again would she want to talk to me. My shame, my inability to be a good boy, had undone me. I waited for the scolding that was sure to follow. I heard the clinking of ice on glass as she put down her drink, then I heard her walk toward me. Was I going to get a spanking? I struggled to stop the tears, but instead a sense of terrible injustice that I had been born this way overwhelmed me and my soft quiet tears turned into sobs. Oh why, why, did I have to be me?

Then the most amazing thing happened. She took the book from me and quietly laid it down on the table. She gathered me into her arms and sat, cradling me in her lap. I had never in my memory felt a gentle touch, never had felt love, and never, never been so out of control. I struggled to free myself so that I wouldn't soil her with my tears, or worse, with my streaming nose, but she just held me and quietly told me, “Shush, shush, it's all right child.” Finally I clung to her and wept, wept freely as I'd never been able to in the presence of another human being.

The storm, as storms must, eventually rained itself out. My tears changed gradually from squalls to steady showers, and then dissipated into flurries interspersed with gasps and sighs, and then finally stopped.

I felt drained as I had never felt drained, calm as I had never felt calm, and the whole time she held me, and she stroked my hair, and she spoke quiet words of comfort to me.

Finally she said, “Child, child, your father does you harm, there's nothing wrong with you, it's him, it's him. I went stiff, my heart raced, fear surged through my body. I didn't know how to hear what she had to say. She calmed me once again with her presence and with her arms and with her voice as a horsewoman would calm an anxious horse.

She reached out, and with one finger, gently tipped my head back so that my eyes met hers. She said, “Paul, I'm going to make a very precious Christmas gift to you, but first you must promise that you will tell no one about it while yet I live. Do you promise?” I nodded, unwilling to trust my voice to be steady, still being surprised by gasps and shudders. She went on to say, “Paul, what we are about to do is dangerous to you. If you are not pure of heart you could be destroyed. Do you understand?” I didn't really, but some sense of destiny, and yes, a desire to please Aunt Vera propelled me to nod again.

She smiled a smile, oh, so beautiful, and slowly swept her arm out as if sweeping back a curtain. “Look!” Her command was hardly necessary. The air of the room filled with lights dancing in the air. I peered to see them through the remnants of tears in my eyes. Aunt Vera held out her hand, and a small figure, a tiny fairy, beautifully formed, perfect in every way, settled onto it and arranged her wings behind her. She glowed, that was the only word I could use to describe it. A light, dim, but unmistakable came from her, her gown, her wings. All I could do was stare. Tears again came to my eyes, but this time they flowed freely, tears of peace, tears of healing, tears of a bliss so strong that it took possession of my very soul and washed away all fear, all self hatred, all self doubt. There was room for nothing in my heart except wonder.

Aunt Vera lifted her hand toward my face and the fairy shifted her wings a bit to keep balance. I felt my eyes cross as she brought the fairy almost to my nose. I watched the fairy clap her tiny hands and laugh an almost imperceptible laugh. Then she reached out, took my nose in both hands, and leaned over and kissed me. Right on the tip of my nose! A moment later, Aunt Vera raised the fairy toward the room and she leapt, spreading her wings to catch the air, and joined her friends to dance again.

I don't know how long I lay there in Aunt Vera's arms watching them. I know Aunt Vera told me that fairies will not normally come out around anyone that is not pure of heart, and that if they did, it meant an almost certain destruction for the unworthy soul. She held this out as proof positive of there being nothing wrong with me, and how was I to argue with that?

 Eventually someone came to the room looking for us and the fairies all winked out in an instant. Aunt Vera smiled and softly touched her finger to her lips. I was so filled with peace and contentment that a core of my being held on to it for the rest of my life. No matter the turmoil, no matter the abuse, always I knew that the problem wasn't mine. After all, hadn't fairies danced for me, and every time I looked in the mirror, didn't I see, almost lost amidst the freckles, the perfect, tiny imprints of a fairy's lips on the tip of my nose?